and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
