So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
