I think I am morally bankrupt
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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