I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
