Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
