i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
