Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
