If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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