Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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