I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
