I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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