My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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