I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
