"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
