my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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