Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
i think my cat just said my name.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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