Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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