She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I think I just sharted jello shots
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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