while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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