You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
