vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You can't just leave with hair like that
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
