he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
