Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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