I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
