He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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