Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
