its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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