Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
