Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
