i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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