My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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