My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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