At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dicks are not precious.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
