Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
