Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
nutella sex= disaster
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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