im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think my moral compass just broke
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
