if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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