shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
