did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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