I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
