there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Randomize
