I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
