We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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