I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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