Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
