i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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