I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
