I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
