Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
