Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
