Will you blow on my dice?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
love makes seman taste better
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
